He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I cut my penus on the lid.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
