The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
