I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
