I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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