I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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