God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
