In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Randomize
