There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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