He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
