so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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