I think I won the penis lottery.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
