u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
