I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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