theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
