Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
