In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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