You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
