You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
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