My cat gives me a boner
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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