I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
