Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
