Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Randomize
