Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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