definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
