I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
