I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
