Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
did i walk over a car last night?
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Success! We fucked roommates!
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
