Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
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