I wish my penis had an off switch
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
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