I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
