$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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