morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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