like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Randomize
