i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
