i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Randomize
