If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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