Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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