Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
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