2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
