if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
