i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
We're too hungover to prance.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Randomize
