my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
