Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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