I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
you win again, gameday.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
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