I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
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