Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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