tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
