So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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