Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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