Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
