took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Randomize