this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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