i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Randomize
