so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
