I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
Randomize
