Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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