listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
