The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I wear drunk well.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
