I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
