don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
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