Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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