I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
