It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
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