it's too hot outside to masturbate.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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