Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Randomize
